Dear Jessika
Happy Birthday! I can not believe it has been 39 years since I first saw your adorable face. I wish I could see it now.
Your children all are doing well. Rase has a lovely girlfriend, she reminds me of you. No, she doesn't look like you other than being petite like you. It is her mannerisms and interests. She is even an artist, although hers is paper while yours was graphic, but art is art. She doesn't eat meat either lol, sound familiar? Rase and Ryder still live with us. I love hearing them in your old room. Helps the house feel not so empty. Ryder works and is friends with Kitley's. Guess our families will be friends forever. Rowdy comes out on Thursdays, he is so sweet and funny. Rowdy is very interested in and helpful with cooking. He comes out every other weekend when the two little ones do too. Ava Beth is Ryder all over again. She still has to have her pink, but it is often combined with camo now. Rylan is a sweet heart. He has a great imagination and that reminds me of you. You would be so proud of all of them.
I miss you. I admit, some days I still get so pissed! Pissed I couldn't save you. Pissed you are not here to guide your kids and watch them grow. Pissed I don't have you. Just PISSED. I do not understand why life is so unfair. I will never ever be convinced that "all things happen for a reason", maybe some things do, but there is no reason anyone can ever give me that justifies us not having you! I am pissed.
I miss your funny laugh mixed with snorts. I miss your beautiful smile. I miss seeing you be mama bear when it comes to your kids. I don't like to make soap much anymore, just isn't the same without you by my side. Although Rase and Brooke did try to help me. I miss making you coconut cream pie for your birthday and you hoarding the last piece. I can't bring myself to make one anymore, or blackberry your other favorite. I miss you "shopping" in my attic every time I left town, then changing the item just enough it would take me a while to recognize it at your house. I miss your crazy craft ideas, and all the messes we made trying them. I miss your hugs. I miss hearing the word mom or I love you mom. You will never know what it meant to me that those were your first words when they tried to wean you from the vent. I treasure it, I play it over and over again in my heart to be near you.
I am picturing you celebrating your birthday with you grandpa and Uncle Jay, as well as your great grandparents who adored you. I think the babies you didn't get to carry long as well as all those I didn't get to deliver are with you as well. Kiss them all for me. I am so looking forward to all of us being together someday.
Love
Mom
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