Another Christmas

Well  Baby Girl, we made it thru another Christmas, our 4th without you. It just never feels right, no matter what we do. We try, for your kids, but it is just flat, the heart of it is gone. We had a celebration with the two little ones a week early. I would love to have them on a holiday, just once. We did the boys yesterday, and then they took off. The older 2 went to their girlfriends, the younger with his dad to his other grandparents. It was, nice. Truthfully, if not for your kids we wouldn't bother. We try to talk about you to all the kids, I want them to know you. The older ones will have memories, but the youngest don't have many. They have to get to know you thru our stories. Boy do we have a ton of them, lol. Every time little Ry says he misses you I just can't hold back the tears. He says it isn't fair that he doesn't have you. He is so right, it isn't fair.

I hate when people say everything happens for a reason. Bull shit. Some stuff does. But what could be a reason for losing you? For your children not to have their Mother? There is no reason. It is what it is, but not everything happens for a reason.

I guess that is all for now. As usual the tears are flowing. I hope you had a beautiful Christmas in Heaven. I love you, miss you and look forward to the time we are together again.

Love Mom

Dear Jessika,

Happy Birthday to Me! Well, maybe not so much. It may be my birthday, but it is you that is on my mind. Birthdays, holidays, vacations, every day, none of them are the same without you.

It is easy enough to smile and thank people for well wishes, but truthfully, neither your Dad or I are really happy. People expect us to be. Since it has been almost 4 years, they all assume we are "over it", moved on, happy again. How? How can we be happy when part of our hearts are missing?

Some days the tears still come. It may be a song, a smell, a taste or a brief though that reminds me of you. I treasure those memories, but the pain of you not being here is still there. A tear or dozen will fall. Rarely is the deep sobs that tore thru my body from my soul, the agony of my heart breaking. I get by, your Dad gets by. We can laugh, smile, talk about you. True happiness is gone now.

The golden memories of you, of us, the love of your children, our love for each other; it keeps us going. Peace is what I aim for now. Contentment. Joy will only return when we are all together again.
I miss you, we all miss you.

Love
Mom

I hate Mother's Day.

Dear Jessika,

I should wish you Happy Mother's Day, but I won't. I hate, hate with a passion today. It serves as a reminder I am not a Mother anymore. It is a stab at the heart that my precious grandchildren do not have their Mother with them. It is not fair, it is not right. This whole thing is so very wrong. Don't even get me started on the people who say, everything happens for a reason. No it doesn't. There is no reason why you should not be here. So, I am sorry, I just can't wish you that. Know that I think of you every day. I talk about you to the kids as often as I can. I let them know how proud you are of them, and tell them funny stories about you. Ok, I am going to hibernate for the rest of today, start fresh tomorrow.

Love
Mom

Happy Birthday Jessika

Dear Jessika

Happy Birthday! I can not believe it has been 39 years since I first saw your adorable face. I wish I could see it now.

Your children all are doing well. Rase has a lovely girlfriend, she reminds me of you. No, she doesn't look like you other than being petite like you. It is her mannerisms and interests. She is even an artist, although hers is paper while yours was graphic, but art is art. She doesn't eat meat either lol, sound familiar? Rase and Ryder still live with us. I love hearing them in your old room. Helps the house feel not so empty. Ryder works and is friends with Kitley's. Guess our families will be friends forever. Rowdy comes out on Thursdays, he is so sweet and funny. Rowdy is very interested in and helpful with cooking. He comes out every other weekend when the two little ones do too. Ava Beth is Ryder all over again. She still has to have her pink, but it is often combined with camo now. Rylan is a sweet heart. He has a great imagination and that reminds me of you. You would be so proud of all of them.

I miss you. I admit, some days I still get so pissed! Pissed I couldn't save you. Pissed you are not here to guide your kids and watch them grow. Pissed I don't have you. Just PISSED. I do not understand why life is so unfair. I will never ever be convinced that "all things happen for a reason", maybe some things do, but there is no reason anyone can ever give me that justifies us not having you! I am pissed.

I miss your funny laugh mixed with snorts. I miss your beautiful smile. I miss seeing you be mama bear when it comes to your kids. I don't like to make soap much anymore, just isn't the same without you by my side. Although Rase and Brooke did try to help me. I miss making you coconut cream pie for your birthday and you hoarding the last piece. I can't bring myself to make one anymore, or blackberry your other favorite. I miss you "shopping" in my attic every time I left town, then changing the item just enough it would take me a while to recognize it at your house. I miss your crazy craft ideas, and all the messes we made trying them. I miss your hugs. I miss hearing the word mom or I love you mom. You will never know what it meant to me that those were your first words when they tried to wean you from the vent. I treasure it, I play it over and over again in my heart to be near you.

I am picturing you celebrating your birthday with you grandpa and Uncle Jay, as well as your great grandparents who adored you. I think the babies you didn't get to carry long as well as all those I didn't get to deliver are with you as well. Kiss them all for me. I am so looking forward to all of us being together someday.

Love
Mom